


Radar

by PotatoPIerrot



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Gen, Hidekane Week, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 10:49:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2770289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatoPIerrot/pseuds/PotatoPIerrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Hide claims to have a built-in radar that alerts him whenever his best friend is upset, Kaneki believes him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Radar

**Author's Note:**

> for HideKane Week Day 7 with the freeform theme wwwwwwwwwwwwww

When Hide claims to have a built-in radar that alerts him whenever his best friend is upset, Kaneki believes him.

Kaneki had noticed it since the very beginning; how Hide seemed to always pop up whenever he was in distress or when he simply felt down. He’s there by his side when he’s being picked on by that group of seniors. He’s the one who brought him to the infirmary when he twisted his ankle during gym class. He’s the one who’d always covered for him whenever he publicly did anything embarrassing by accident so people wouldn’t have to stare at him and judge and laugh.

He’s the one who’d always noticed the times when he’d silently sulk over how his aunt was treating his mother like a slave. He’s the one who’d always told him not to worry and that things will eventually be fine.

And he’s usually the one who’d make everything fine again.

There _was_ one time, however, when even Hide’s words could change nothing. Kaneki remembers how impossibly sunny it’d been that day. He remembers how much he’d hated the weather that particular day because no, everything’s not supposed to look so fine and cheery when a young boy had just lost the last of his family. The world should’ve been shrouded in darkness and choked with despair because his mother was never coming back, was never stepping into the little apartment they called home again. She wasn’t going to hold his hand, wasn’t going to call his name anymore. She was gone. Just like that.

His mother was gone.

It honestly didn’t feel real to him at that moment. It’d felt like a dream, an illusion. It’s just one of his daydreams in class. He’ll snap out of it soon. He’ll go back home, open the door, and find his mother welcoming him while she cooks those lovely hamburger steaks for him to have for dinner. Everything will be alright. She’ll still be there for him. He’s not left alone. He’s not alone. He still had his Mum.

The words that escape from the mouths of the adults towering over him made no sense. Were they even speaking Japanese? What were they trying to say? I’m sorry for your loss? They didn’t sound sorry. They’re empty words, just random arrangements of syllables. Kaneki didn’t understand a thing. What were they trying to tell him? Why were they looking at him like that? Why were they whispering things about his parents behind his back?

What’s going on?

Kaneki remembers how he was suddenly tackled from behind while he was still standing in his trance, familiar arms wrapping around his shoulders. Huh? How did Hide find him among all those giants? Hide kept him in his embrace for a second longer before spinning him around to face him. Kaneki had been utterly startled at the sight that greeted him once he saw his best friend. It almost looked.. _wrong_. Something like that wasn’t supposed to happen. It seems to him as though it’s against the law of the universe!

Because Hide had tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Why are you crying?” Kaneki had asked, bewildered and unable to comprehend. And Hide had said exactly nothing, instead pulling him into another hug. Kaneki noticed how his hands were shaking against back.

“Because you’re not,” he’d whispered, and it was at that exact moment that the reality of it all crashed down mercilessly upon him. His mother is dead. Sealed in a coffin and buried in a hole on the ground. He’s truly alone now. There’s no one left he could call family. He’s alone. Utterly, completely alone.

Kaneki couldn’t recall how long Hide had held him in his arms that day.

He breaks out of his reverie, his senses slowly returning to his surroundings. He’s in his room at the moment, a book lying unread by his side. He’d slipped upstairs right after dinner as he’d always had because he knows he’s unwanted in the house. Its especially bad that day because his aunt’s mad at him again. Despite trying his hardest not to try, he’d still gotten better marks than his wretched cousin in their latest exam.

Kaneki’s used to it, used to feeling like the odd one out. Used to being loathed by the lady who’d indirectly killed his mother. There’s nothing else he can do, really. He still needs a home, unwelcoming as it is. He might not be liked, but at least he’s not sleeping in the streets. At least they’re not beating or starving him. Not directly, anyway. But that’s fine. As long as he can survive, somehow. That’s what he always tells himself in order not to sink into the pits of despair. In order not to break.

It’s a little harder for him to do so that night because his aunt not only screeched at him at the top of her sharp, ear-splittingly shrill voice, she’d threatened to burn the books belonging to his father the next time he achieves good results in his studies. He can’t let her destroy the one remaining link he had with his father, he just _can’t_. What had he done to make her hate him so much? It’s not _his_ fault that her son spent all his time on that game console of his and refused to study! It’s not _his_ fault that he got good grades and not her son! It’s not his fault!

It’s not fair. Kaneki brings his knees to his chest and hugs them tight. It’s not fair at all! He wants his mother back! He wants to run away. He wants to escape all the hate, all the rejection from the family he absolutely does not belong in. He wants to hear a comforting voice again, to feel a warm, proper embrace.

To feel like he isn’t hated.

The knock on his window startles him. He turns, barely restraining a yelp when he sees a familiar face peeking in from outside. Hide frantically motions for him to let him in. Kaneki overcomes his stupor just enough to move and head over. How the heck did he even get there? He finds out when he unlatches the window and Hide leaps in. The idiot had climbed the big tree from the neighbor’s garden.

“Hide, that’s dangerous!” Kaneki chides rather belatedly, and Hide merely grins.

“I’m fine, man,” he assures, and Kaneki can’t help thinking how much brighter his room suddenly seems with his best friend around. “Anyway. You’re feeling upset again, aren’t you?”

He shushes his companion before the latter can deny it. “I have a radar, remember?” he reminds him, tapping the side of his head. “There’s no use lying to me, buddy. I know. And that’s exactly why I’m here right now.”

He motions Kaneki to sit on his bed while he heads to flip the light switches off. Kaneki’s room is instantly engulfed in darkness with the only dim illumination from his neighbor’s window. Hide waits for his eyes to adjust to the lighting before blindly feeling his way to Kaneki’s bed.

“What are you doing?” Kaneki inquires as the blond settles down next to him and pulls his blanket over the both of them. “Hide?”

“Hmm I’m pretty sure I brought it with me..” Hide mutters to himself while shifting around, completely ignoring Kaneki’s question. He perks up when he successfully finds what he’s looking for. Kaneki hears a click, and his vision’s temporarily blinded with the sudden burst of brightness that’d erupted from Hide’s hand. It’s only after he’d blinked the sparks out of his eyes that he realizes Hide had pulled out a torchlight.

“Wokay,” Hide huffs, unaffected by the strange glare Kaneki’s currently giving him. He faces him, tilts his head, and smiles. “It feels like we’ve got more privacy like this, doesn’t it?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kaneki tells him because frankly, he still has yet to comprehend his friend’s odd behavior. Hide gestures at the sheet covering the both of them, a certain sparkle in his lively brown eyes.

“Don’t you notice it? All we have to do is sit under a blanket and the world suddenly seems so much smaller,” he points out, and now that he mentions it, Kaneki feels it too. It’s like they’re cut off from the rest of the world. It’s just the two of them in their little world now. Nothing else exists and matters. Just the two of them and their torchlight in their little world under the blanket.

“I guess so,” Kaneki says slowly, fidgeting with his fingers. Hide lets out a very undignified snort before moving closer towards his best friend. Kaneki once again tries very hard to understand his situation when Hide proceeds to hold him in some sort of headlock.

“Seriously, Hide,” Kaneki says, mirth coloring his tone despite himself. “What on earth are you doing?”

“You were about to cry just now, weren’t you?” Hide tells him, swaying awkwardly in an attempt to be soothing. “Go on and do it now. I’ll hold you until your tears stop.”

“You’re such a weirdo,” Kaneki laughs, letting himself be rocked back and forth. Hide makes an indignant noise in return.

“ _You’re_ the weird one,” he complains, adjusting his arms so he wouldn’t be accidentally choking his best friend. “You never tell me _anything_ and I had to go through the trouble of developing this sixth sense to alert me whenever you’re down and-“

“Thank you, Hide,” Kaneki whispers, effectively stopping him midsentence despite his barely audible tone. He sniffles softly, bringing his hands over his eyes. “I’m so-“

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry,” Hide says gently before he’s able to apologize. He slowly combs his fingers through his hair, somehow reminding Kaneki of his own mother. Maybe it’s the way he held him, the tenderness of his touch. Kaneki doesn’t know. “I was just kidding, Kaneki. I’m not mad at you. Just perhaps a little frustrated, but not mad, completely.”

And at that, Kaneki lets out a small laugh, turning to bury his face into Hide’s chest. “ _Weirdo_.”

**xXx**

Hide mustn’t know about this.

His kakugan stares back at him from the mirror, as if taunting and relentlessly reminding him that he had been turned into a monster. Kaneki had just finished puking his guts out after his fifth attempt to stomach a sandwich that tasted like solidified bile. He grips the sides of his sink hard, half to help keep himself standing, half to let the cold, hard marble under his touch cruelly assure him that it’s not a nightmare, a figment of his imagination. That it’s all real and that he’s been turned into a ghoul.

His eyes stung from crying. He’s so scared. What’s going to become of him now? How could he keep going now when all he’s able to do in order to survive is to eat human meat? He can’t do it! He can’t become a monster. He doesn’t _want_ to become one. He can’t kill a person, can’t devour a fellow human being. He just _can’t_.

The gnawing in his stomach is so intense that he feels like vomiting all over again. He’s starving. He needs meat, meat, meat, _MEAT_. Just a little bit won’t hurt, right? Just one bite. Just to stop feeling like he’s the one being consumed from the inside out. Just to have a taste of sweet, juicy -

Kaneki bites down hard on his lip, stopping his own twisted chain of thoughts. _No!_ What is he thinking? He can’t possibly go out and randomly attack an innocent passerby! That’s _wrong_! He can’t hurt other people. He had to deal with this somehow himself. There must be something else he can eat. He has to keep trying.

Or he dies trying.

Kaneki exits his bathroom and nearly jumps at the ring of his message tone that sounds through his silent apartment. He takes a moment to calm down as much as he can before heading over to his living room to fetch the device. With shaky fingers, he clicks on the envelope icon and accesses his inbox. He wonders who could’ve had such questionable timing.

_Hey, buddy! Why didn’t you come for lessons today? It was so lonely having lunch by myself, you know!_

Kaneki catches his breath. Who else could it be? Half fearful, Kaneki nervously types out his reply. Please don’t tell him he’s coming over.

_I’m sorry - I’ve caught a really bad cold and I just woke up._

Please don’t tell him he’s coming over.

_Oh, that sucks, man. Want me to drop by later to check on you?_

No, no, _no_ , Hide can’t come. Kaneki doesn’t know what he would do to him if he does. He’s afraid. What if he loses control? He can’t hurt Hide, can’t hurt his most precious person in the world. He can’t let him get hurt. Hide had protected him when he was weak. It’s his turn.

_It’s fine. I don’t want you catching it or anything. You have a pop-quiz in two days, don’t you?_

There’s a slightly longer pause before Kaneki receives Hide’s reply. He could tell the blond had probably been hesitating to make a decision.

_Alright. But don’t you dare die on me, okay? Drink lots of water and stay in bed for as long as you can help. And remember to take your meds!_

Despite himself, Kaneki feels the smile tugging at the corner of his lips, followed by the tears that well up anew. He hated Hide’s built-in radar so much sometimes.

Because with that, his best friend would always know when he’s at his most vulnerable. And it makes things all the more painful when he’s trying his hardest to hide it from him.

**xXx**

..503.. 496.. 489.. 482-

Kaneki barely stops the scream from ripping out of his throat when yet another of his toes gets snipped off. Part of his mind that’s miraculously not yet insane from the fear and agony (or perhaps it’s the maddest part of all, he couldn’t decide) finds the way the metal easily cuts through bone and flesh morbidly fascinating. Another part of it is trying its hardest to keep track of the numbers he’s spouting. Another part of it was already long gone; screaming and screaming and laughing and laughing with every toe, every finger he lost.

454.. 447.. 440-

When Jason had left and Kaneki had devoured the measly piece of meat that’d been forcefully shoved into his mouth, it’s strangely quiet for a while. Then there’re giggles bubbling from his own mouth as he watches his toes regrow from their bloody stumps like a video of a broken lizard tail put on fast forward. This is it. He’s really a monster. Undeniable. From the way his broken body fixes itself. From the way he’s laughing at his pathetic self. From the way he’s still alive.

371.. 364-

Kaneki doesn’t exactly know why, but the image of Hide’s face briefly flashes in his mind when the centipede’s stuffed into his ear. It’s like he’s the last flimsy string that holds his mind together before it completely falls apart to the knowledge of having a _thing_ with over a thousand legs crawling its way in and out in his ear, reinforced by the scratching and unbearable tingling that refuses to stop. Hide, Hide, _Hide_. He abruptly notices the tears pouring down his cheeks at that moment. His anguish, his fear, his descent towards insanity; can Hide feel them then? Is his radar alerting him about this? Kaneki desperately hopes it isn’t. He doesn’t want him to look for him and see him in this state. He doesn’t want Hide to step into the world of ghouls. He doesn’t want Hide to be as broken as he is now.

Hide mustn’t know.

**xXx**

He has him pinned on the wet, dirty ground.

It’s not him. It can’t be him. Hide isn’t supposed to be here, stark in the middle of a warzone. He’s supposed to be safely at home, keeping track of all these only through the news with his door securely locked. Not here in the flesh, pinned under him and looking as pained as he felt.

Kaneki’s mind is more of a mess than it’d ever been; torn between thoughts of _no no no no no get away that’s Hide that’s your best friend don’t eat him run away before you hurt him get away get away_ and those of _meat meat meat glorious meat tear rend eat devour heal fight protect_. His entire body is trembling violently and the gaping hole on his side throbs with every frantic heartbeat. The tinniest part of his mind tries to take control and make him move. Forward. Away. He doesn’t budge either direction.

“It’s okay, buddy,” he hears Hide say, his voice tender, soft, and impossibly _kind_. The blond brushes the tears off his cheek before slipping his hand behind his neck and gently drawing him closer. Kaneki feels himself choking out a sob as he opens his mouth and sinks his teeth into his best friend’s shoulder. “ _Eat_.”

**xXx**

Haise breathes a sigh as he exits the supermarket, adjusting his hold on the bagful of groceries he’d just bought.

It’s a windy autumn’s day, and it’s one of his rare day-offs. He makes his way down the quiet road, letting the breeze part his hair and caress his cheeks. As much as he’d like to grumble about having to be the one sent to do the shopping on the day he’s supposed to stay home and laze around with a book on his lap, it isn’t so bad. The temperature’s just right and being outside is a pleasant contrast to being cooped up in his study all day.

He lifts his wrist to check the time, and makes a random decision to wander around for a bit before going home. Instead of making his usual turn at the junction, Haise walks straight ahead towards town, dried leaves crunching under his shoes as he trudges on. He soon enters an area with several shop-lots, and stops to have a look around. Huh. He’d never really noticed this place before. From his vantage, he spots a nice, cozy looking bookstore on the opposite side of the road (he makes a mental note to make a visit there another day), a family-ran business selling fresh produce a little further, a boutique, two restaurants which signs were too far away for him to make out clearly, and a flower store.

Haise finds himself stepping towards the flower store, his attention attracted by the gorgeously colorful assortment of plants at its doorstep. More than anything, he realizes only when he’s standing right outside the little shop, he’s mesmerized by the big, vividly yellow sunflowers that stood in a tall vase just next to the entrance. They sort of remind him of something, though he isn’t very sure what.

The wind blows once more, and Haise suddenly feels a prickling sensation in his eyes. He winces before trying to blink it away, but it’s eventually starting to feel itchy. Oh dear. Some pollen must’ve gotten into them or something! Haise rubs the back of his free hand against his eyes, feeling the involuntary tears welling up. This is bad. They’re actually starting to hurt! He silently prays for his body’s healing actions to kick in quickly so that he could continue on his way before someone walks out of the shop and sees him and-

He hears the ding of a bell, and nearly lets out a groan as he prepares himself for the worst.

“Oh, man - did you get dumped or something?” he hears a guy exclaim. He must’ve really fitted the image of a person who’d just broken up with his partner - standing in front of a florist with his head held low and all. Haise shakes his head, still quite unable to open his eyes to have a look at the newcomer in curiosity because he sounded so oddly _familiar_.

“S-Sorry,” he starts, though he isn’t really sure why he’s apologizing. “I was just taking a look at your flowers and I think some pollen got into my eyes-“

“Ugh, I know how that feels,” the stranger says, blanching. Haise then feels someone taking hold of his arm and giving it a tug. “But first things first, why don’t you come inside? You can wash them at the sink at the back of our shop.”

“Thank you,” Haise says, keeping his head low and his hand over his stinging eyes as he let himself be led into the flower store. He’d expected to be overwhelmed with the scent of dozens of flowers as soon as he steps inside, but fortunately for him, he’s not. In fact, the smell that wafts around the place almost feels like it had a sort of calming effect. It’s pleasant. Haise could already feel his initial panic slowly fading away.

“Here, let me just put those on the counter for you first,” the florist tells him, gently prying the bag of groceries from  his grip. Haise hears a short thud before he’s led further inside. When he stops, his hands are guided to the knob of a tap, and he twists to get the water running.

“Feel free to use the towel hanging on the peg to dry your face when you’re done,” the florist tells him, taking a few steps back. “I’ll be outside if you need me.”

Haise hums his thanks, and proceeds to wash the pollen from his eyes. The water feels cooling against his skin and it’s absolutely wonderful. He spends a good few minutes splashing his face before he straightens and shuts the tap, his other hand reaching into his pocket for the handkerchief he always carried with him. He thought he’d already bothered the guy enough - he shouldn’t use his clean towel and force him to clean it again just after one wipe.

When Haise finishes drying his face, he glances up at the small mirror in front of him. His eyes are a little red, but it doesn’t look like he’ll be going blind (again) anytime soon, so he guesses it’s alright.

Now to face the awkwardness he’s sure that would greet him as soon as he steps outside.

The florist is behind the counter when he returns to the shop, his back turned. Haise notices the mess of blonde hair before anything else. It, for some strange reason, reminds him of the sunflowers he’d seen outside. The florist’s hair isn’t as bright gold, of course, but it just conjures up the image of sunflowers as soon as Haise’s brain registers it.

“Hm?” he perks up when he hears the investigator’s footsteps. He turns around to face him. “I see that you’re done!”

He wears the brightest, warmest smile Haise had ever seen someone wear - not that he sees that a lot, working for the CCG. He has an apron draped over his clothes and a pair of headphones hanging around his neck. Haise finds himself smiling back, both at his amiability and at his loud fashion sense. Who the heck even wears trousers _that_ shade of green?

“I am. Thank you so much for letting me use your sink,” he says, bowing slightly. He straightens up to see the florist waving his hand dismissively.

“Nah, it’s nothing.” He pauses, and seeing that Haise’s still practically rooted at where he’s standing, he motions for him to come closer. “Why don’t you sit down for a while? We don’t get that many customers when its off season and it gets a little lonely here.” He grins once more when Haise complies to his request and settles down on the stool a little away from him. “Would you like something to eat or drink? Tea? Coffee? Cookies?”

“N-No, I’m fine, thank you,” Haise refuses politely, a little overcame by the blond’s waves of friendliness. It’s only when he calms down that he abruptly notices how the smile doesn’t actually reach the latter’s eyes. Haise isn’t really as good at reading people as he is at reading books, but he’s able to tell that this man before him has probably went through something painful and still has yet to get over it. Losing a loved one, perhaps. Or something equally crushing.

And he’s working hard to hide it behind his smiles and cheeriness. Just like how Haise is trying to do the same when he’s in front of people most of the time. It’s exhausting, really. It isn’t easy to put up a positive front when it feels like there’s a pole constantly impaled through your chest.

“I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi, by the way,” the blond’s voice jerks Haise out of his reverie. When Haise returns his attention to his current situation, he belatedly realizes that he had _probably_ been staring. Blush floods his cheeks, but if the florist sees it, he isn’t letting on.

“Sasaki Haise,” he tells him nervously in return, his eyes flickering away. Hide laughs good-naturedly at his response, but it doesn’t sound like he’s teasing him. Reluctantly, Haise allows his gaze to return to him.

“So you’re Haise,” Hide says, placing his elbow on the edge of the counter and resting his chin on his upturned palm. Haise notices a scar of sorts on his right shoulder when his clothes shift. He feels his breathing hitch, a sting in his heart. “Nice to meet you, buddy. Oh, and before I forget, feel free to call me Hide.”

Haise nods wordlessly. Hide regards him for a moment before speaking up again.

“You know,” he says slowly, almost carefully. His eyes searches him as though to find the answers to his unvoiced questions. “You kinda remind me of someone I know.”

Haise returns his stare. He remembers how his mind seem to automatically associate the blond with sunflowers and happy things at first glance. He remembers the pang of recognition he’d felt the minute he heard his voice, saw his eyes. He remembers how one look at him was enough to make him feel completely at ease. But he doesn’t remember anything beyond that. He can’t remember.

“You know what,” he starts with a huff. The words seem to leave his mouth before his brain could process them. “You do, too.”


End file.
